Turn your Pain into Power post divorce
April 2023
A few months shy of my daughter’s first birthday, I got the call that any human dreads “your husband cheated!”
My heart completely sunk in disbelief, rage and instant shame.
The months that followed were a blur and felt like I was thrown out of a plane with no parachute.
My entire life and identity had been flipped upside down. I felt raw, vulnerable and extremely scared for me and my daughter.
But as hard and scary as it was…in hindsight it was a blessing in disguise because it was THE opportunity to start choosing me, and a chance to step into my power.
Here are 4 ways that helped me turn my pain into power and some lessons I’ve learnt along the way.
Enjoy!
My divorce made me realize that I was really good at doing things for others and less skilled at prioritizing myself and my joy. So I wrote myself a bucket list filled with things that I always wanted to try and slowly started to check things off…and it was so much fun!
Advice: Don’t overthink anything and lead with playfulness and joy.
Finding my voice and sharing my story was by far the hardest yet most powerful part of my journey.
Believe it or not, it was really challenging for me at first to use my voice. WHY? I was raised to keep my feelings to myself and led to believe that expressing emotions was a sign of weakness. So I became an expert at repressing it all and staying polite and small in hopes of being loved.
Then I got a divorce and said “F*ck it!” and co-created Les Lilas Society - a story sharing platform for women/x from all walks of life to practice using their voice and share their story. An it was one of the key components in turning my pain into power.
Every time I shared, I shed parts of myself that were no longer serving me and shed years of conditioning and expectations that were projected onto me. And every time I heard another human share a piece of their personal story, it helped articulate and name feelings that were inside of me, helping me understand myself a bit better with each story.
Summary: Learning how to use my voice helped me find meaning in my story. And being vulnerable by sharing my story in loving spaces shifted decades of emotions that were bottled up inside, which helped me create more room for love, abundance and freedom.
Advice: practice in front of a mirror, talk to a friend, go live online. Get those emotions and feelings out of your body. Trust me!
A photoshoot can help you embody and celebrate the new version of yourself that is rising.
Advice: Find a photographer that will push you outside of your comfort zone. Bring a friend to the shoot. Try to capture the version of yourself that you are becoming. Make it bold. Make it special. You deserve it!!
This photoshoot was done with Pascale Therrien from Laluz Portraits. I was completely outside of my comfort zone, like the rest of my life, but did it anyway and it was an unforgettable experience!
People often under estimate the value of community, especially during life transitions.
The unfortunate reality is not everyone will understand and support you during this time, and that’s ok. Divorce/heartache is like an earthquake to your soul. It will shift your entire being and identity, including some friendships. It will hurt at times, but keep going. Your community is out there.
What is my definition of a loving community?
People that make you feel expanded versus contracted!
People that want you to shine versus stay small.
People that are patient and tender!
People that energize you and make you feel excited by life!
People that honour the highs and lows of your journey, and celebrate the person you are becoming!
Being in community helped me find my voice and come out of my shell. Being in community helped me find my Purpose and my sense of belonging, and helped me reconnect with my Filipina roots and Ancestors. Finding community has been a constant reminder that I am never alone!
How to find a community for you? Get curious about things that you love. Go to events. Try things that excite you. Focus on how places, things and people make you feel. Chances are there’s a loving community or new friend waiting on the other side. If you can’t find it, create it! Les Lilas Society and Centre Kapwa are two communities that I co-founded and birthed after my divorce. Check them out!
Here are a few of my favourite heart-centred communities: Moving Just Fine, The Bbook Clubb, Uptempo Running, Mindfulness with Dawn, Brown Girl Rising
It’s so easy to get clouded by the voices of the world, especially during big life transitions. Everyone and anyone will have an opinion or judgement about your transition, so it’s really important to ground in your mind, body and spirit.
I had no idea what brought me joy when I got separated because my identity was so intertwined with others. So I did everything and anything to reconnect with myself again. I hired all of the healers, coaches, therapists. I travelled. I tried new things, read the books and met new people. And in hindsight, all of the time and money I invested was well worth it because it was an investment on myself.
My Advice: Invest on yourself! you are worth it!!
Movement is medicine. Movement is therapy. Movement is essential during big transitions!
It took me exactly one year to forgive. We had just created Les Lilas Society and I had heard a dozen women share their story. Listening to their stories helped me see the world differently and eventually motivated me to forgive my daughter’s father. And it was such a gift and became the new foundation for our new family dynamic. Reach out if you’d like to hear more about my forgiveness journey.
Ready to turn your pain into power too?
My name is Desiree! I’m a certified spiritual life and purpose coach on a mission to help women/x bring more harmony into their life, relationships and business.
Click here to connect to see if my services can help you. Sliding scale available for low-income QTBIPOC.
